I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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