Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
