Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
