he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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