there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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