winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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