remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
