i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
