I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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