Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
