i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
