She is in my trunk
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
