They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
