We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
