You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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