The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize