I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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