I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
