Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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