I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
