24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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