In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
