now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
