a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
