i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
