I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
