where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
