they need to just BURY HIM!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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