you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
