She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
