I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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