my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
