I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
