i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize