Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
