I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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