I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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