It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
