The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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