i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
