Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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