i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
