so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
