I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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