Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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