you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
