You smell like a Billy Joel song
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
