My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
