Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
