mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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