well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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