Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I supernannyed him into submission
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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