omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
