ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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