my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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