Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
