in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
