i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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