I should be sponsored by Trojan
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
