I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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