Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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