Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can I color on your dick again?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
