I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize