remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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