Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
