He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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